New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
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I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
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HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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