he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
