he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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