Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
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FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
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I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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