Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
