glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
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