HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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