i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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