I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
