I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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