I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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