so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
