I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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