I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
