He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
