rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I am spending my child support on dildos
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
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And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
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My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
false alarm, still single
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