I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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