You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
My life is pants optional.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
