i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
