threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
