broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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