I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
