So many bounce houses so little time
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
