We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
