Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
