some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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