I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
