My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
