I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just cut my nipple shaving
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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