so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
