so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
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I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
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I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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