god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Where is the hickey?
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You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
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I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
50% drunk capacity currently
I AM VODKA MAN
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Randomize