And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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