I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
