You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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