I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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