...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
