What did we do last night that was yellow?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.