Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.