we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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