I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
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Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
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I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?