i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
