i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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