they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
