Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
