I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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