Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
