i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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