Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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