I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
