She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
