he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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