i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
