I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
