At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
