I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
i think i just lost a toe
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
