You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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