I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
