facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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